Post-Integration

Each opportunity to better know myself and create who I am, is more welcome now. –Margaret

Now I feel safer being in the present, being in my body. I have the energy to expand my world and the people I connect with. I feel fuller today: I take up more space in my body. Colors seem brighter. It is like a cloud has lifted, and my eyes are now open to see the world more clearly. I still feel vulnerable. I don't know exactly how to "do life." I don't know how to be with all the feelings that different parts of me once held. I am still working on feeling joy. –Brooke

Because I was forced to split at such an early age, I had no recollection of what it was like to be whole. Being an integrated personality is a new experience for me. I have more energy. In the past, I required eight or nine hours sleep, but now I need less. It is easier for me to stay focused. I no longer start multiple projects and then struggle to complete them all. I am more confident.... I am less fearful in every area of my life. Most of all, I have confidence in my own intuition. Time and again, I make decisions based on what feels right. I gather information and instinctively decide what to do. –Elizabeth

The most notable difference has been a feeling of centeredness, of oneness, as if I’m all in one place. –Dixie

It has taken me years to learn to appreciate my past as the process that lead me to remember who I really am.... I still get memories but, surprisingly, most of them are good now. When bad memories do come, they don’t hurt as badly as before.... most of the time now, I am able to make my own choices about what to think, feel, say, and do in my life. I choose to live from a space of LOVE, not a space of FEAR.... I am learning to allow myself to do more of the things I enjoy, such as playing acoustical guitar and singing, drawing pencil portraits of children, and taking long, hot baths with a good book. I work on my own, preferring not to work for someone else; it just doesn’t fit who I am anymore. –Susan

Life was not perfect after that. At times I felt very lonely. Accessing the talents and abilities of the alters was different from before. I had to learn all over again.... My preconceived ideas about "life after integration/fusion" were far from accurate. My health declined again. My vision went through many changes, far different from before. Sometimes the pain in my body was so severe that I tried, without success, to separate again. Waves of despair and suicidal ideation would be replaced temporarily by fear and paranoia. I was on a roller coaster of uncontrolled emotions. As I released these emotions, my life gradually equalized. –Carol

Integration was tough on my body; the memories, the grief and pain were no longer spread over many personalities. They were contained and concentrated in a steadily decreasing number of psyches, and in only one body that now responded to all stimuli. Slowly, however, almost without my being aware of it, I incorporated these alters into my being. One day I noticed the incessant chattering in my head had stopped. Another day when I was promoting a writing class at a university, I realized I was no longer concerned about whether or not pertinent information was available. It was. On yet another day, I had a sense of being three dimensional.… My body occupied space. The more I integrated, the more I could push out space around me, make it mine, feel safe in it.…Now my feelings come from my core, my heart, with no buffering. This leaves me fragile and vulnerable.…Life is simpler:…I have fewer secrets and barriers, therefore I can be authentic. I am now able to hold my own and stay present in almost any situation. –Terry

Over three years have passed since 1995 when We became Me. Integration does not seem like the finality my alters once thought it was. Not that I think for one moment that I will separate into distinct people. It seems clear that I will stay ME, and I don’t wish it any other way. Integration– becoming whole–is my continuing process into the mystery of my life’s unfoldment.... My personal energy level has increased, although how I use it is more focused and less chaotic. Before, I needed more activities and people outside my home to feel energized. I’m still socially active, but I enjoy more time by myself, without friends or family.... Having an adult conversation, without being taken over by a twelve-year-old, is definitely easier and less humiliating in social settings. So often in the past, I couldn’t believe what I heard come out of my mouth, and there wasn’t a thing I could say to rectify it because I wasn’t the one using the body.... I’m glad to say that making decisions in my life now feels sane and coordinates with the situations I’m in.... There is predictability in my behavior. –Lindsey



For excerpts and further information about Multiple Journeys to One, click one the following links:

[home] [endorsers] [foreword] [introduction] [epilogue] [background of writers]
[multiplicity] [integration process] [healing modalities]
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Document last updated on 10/01/99-11:29:15.